chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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