Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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