I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
