you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
A bitchslap is in order.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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