There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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