Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
