I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
