I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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