I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
