I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
