I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
im six kinds of drunk right now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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