Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
