she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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