She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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