I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
