i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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