threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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