At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
