Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You are a genius and a whore.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
