you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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