dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
