Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
