sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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