you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
