His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just threw up on my dentist
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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