the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
