So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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