I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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