Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
