someone threw a dead crab at me
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
