Only a mothe r could love this liver
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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