so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
