I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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