Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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