how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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