Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
