So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
