i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
