Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
