rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
