just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
