Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
