youre lurking in front of me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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