Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
