I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
