i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
