Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just cropdusted the office
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
