I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We are all done wearing pants today
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
