So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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