Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
