I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
