Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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