You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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