I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
