I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
