I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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