I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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