you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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