UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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