is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
