so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
