So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Everything about him screamed your future.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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