I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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