We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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