Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
