Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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